I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
they're like a gay fantastic four
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize