Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
