I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize