there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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