I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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