I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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