no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
