Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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