She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize