I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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