I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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