I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
