I got chris browned last night
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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