My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
