he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize