What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you traded sex for a burrito?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
