"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
