The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize