Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize