you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
