either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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