I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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