Betty ford says i'm here all night
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
