Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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