I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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