Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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