Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
