Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
