Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
