just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
