i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
