the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
