I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
