so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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