Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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