nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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