Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
