Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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