just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The power of my boobs compel you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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