i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
