I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
