I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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