last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
