Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
