this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
