i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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