hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
