i need an iv and a liver transplant
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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