The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
