I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
