take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize