I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
