Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
