Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
