Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize