I was born with a shot glass in my hand
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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