my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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