Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
