i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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