the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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