20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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