Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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