Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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