Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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