shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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