if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
