You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
