I think I died a long time ago.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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