separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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